Luisa, Remember Love

I have a bad habit of letting the negatives outweigh the positives. I want to have nuance about things and be able to hold everything at once, but I feel as though it’s just my nature to focus on the negatives.

Currently I have the opportunity of going to this culinary school called Ballymaloe in Shanagarry, Ireland. It’s a huge beautiful farm with ideals of whole natural foods coming from the earth brought to the table and having a epic standard of loveliness for the food that you serve. I hear bits and bobs about the health benefits of following the food traditions of your ancestors here, connecting to the earth, and valuing the way we treat our bodies.

I love food deeply. It’s the only art form that not only nourishes your mind but your physical body from the inside out. Taking time to make something delicious, nutritious and sharing it with people is something I take pride in.

But making the effort to come all the way here is driven by the fact some of my ancestors come from a town here called Dungarvan, specifically speaking about my Grandmama, Christina. Her and I were incredibly close when I was a really young kid. She was a huge example of genuine love for me. Little curious me would ask millions of questions. Lots of adults would shrug me off, say it’s just how it is. But she would answer my questions and if she didn’t know, she would say that and open space for dialogue. I’d watch her tend to her garden and cook beautiful meals for our family. After we took time at the table, we’d go into her secret garden and fairy hunt. She’d listen to me shriek and sing and she’d smile in encouragement. Unfortunately she passed from cancer when I was 5. Through the process of her death, my family separated as bigotry/apathy became more important/normal than love to a lot of them. Also I think with the way we’re conditioned, we stay isolated without much influence. It felt as though she was the loving influence that held everything together. With her passing, my eternal existential crisis raged on with less and less places I felt I could turn to.

When she was 18 she was sent to the US with her sister, fell in love, and I suspect stayed thinking it would afford her forthcoming lineage more privileges and capital. She would come back and make trips with her family whenever they could. Her spiritual connection to Ireland was strong as this is where she grew up and her lineage is indigenous to this land. I’ve heard my family talk about the spiritual connection they have to Ireland and more details about how human they feel here.

I don’t feel like I’ve ever personally felt this specific kind of connection growing up in the US and descending from travelers and colonizers, but I’ve heard lots about it. I feel deeply connected to the earth as a whole, but understanding the feeling of indigeneity is foreign to me. Since I value decolonization and yearn to explore the world, I decided to come here. I want to learn more about my ancestors, make some great food, hopefully learn a lot about myself and what kinds of service I see myself in. It’s an honor and a privilege to be able to be in Ireland that I do not take lightly. It takes a ton of money and time to be able to travel and attend a school like this.

Time for more nuance though… this place feels so out of touch. The expensive Michelin standard of food is so unrealistic for people that it makes me roll my eyes at the thought of dedicating my labor to it. In classes, they talk about growing your own food and making the decision to cook for yourself as if it is a simple choice. The lack of analysis of privilege, food deserts, people’s loss of their time and energy because they’re working away to pay to live on earth, dependents, education, class, race, and capitalism makes me mad. The liberal mindset of if we compost, go to the farmer’s market, plant a garden and ride our bikes we can dismantle climate change is so so prevalent here. I agree those are objectively ‘good’ activities, but focusing the blame on the individuals instead of corporations exploiting the people and earth makes people forget the point of most impact.

Also the owners, Darina and Tim Allen, are creepy and continuously trying to make the public forget a story of one of the active owners being a publicized but not convicted pedophile who seems to have slithered his way out of meeting the consequences of his actions. I couldn’t even get any straight answers about what happened with the copious amount of photos of sexualized children in his possesion through personal research or asking him what happened. Darina doesn’t do much at the school currently except enforcing her recipes and then she’s off around the world collecting awards for the work her staff does. I question their authority and whether the two of them should be in power, especially because its a school that mainly serves adults but still serves children. It all feels quite cultish as the Allens are brit micro-celebrities that many students and staff have idolized, so inexcusable behavior suddenly becomes excusable. It doesn’t feel foreign though. I see the same culture in so many other institutions and industries.

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I have to remind myself of love. The weight of analysis feels so heavy sometimes that the future seems bleak and like it’s not worth going on. Especially when I physically removed myself from the communities in Los Angeles and New Jersey that I’ve poured so much of myself into. I feel so helpless and weak without the people that make me feel like an actual whole human being instead of a mess of feelings unworthy of taking up space. I have to keep reminding myself of love through Grandmama, the art of food, music, and connection, or else I’ll just self destruct.

So I write this as a declaration that I must remember love. I must remember how deeply I love food and hold nuance around the fact that even though this institution is flawed, it also deeply loves food. There are things I can learn from many different people and opportunities to grow. While I may not be around my established friends and lovers that I feel validation from, I must remember there are people here that also yearn to feel love as whole human beings. I must choose to recognize love so I have enough motivation to keep living. To live and be able to analyze the flawed world around me and then contribute my abilities to creating a world that loves and supports the people.

Thanks for reading. Love you.