Upon my Return to the Belly of the Beast,

I was dealing with the worst bodily pain I’ve experienced; ranging from moderate disability to completely paralyzed and the bereavement of my great aunt Mary passing while I was rehashing the death of my grandmama. So I was dealing with major change, death, loss, grief, depression. Feeling so incredibly weak makes me lean on my relationships,,, and when I can trustfully lean I am reminded of a purpose of mine; relationships…each other…socializing…community.

I am starting to understand the phrase, “Grow where you are planted,” on a new level. I heard it before Ireland and it made its way into my ear again through my friend, Molly. I was yearning to be globally nomadic before Ireland. After this experience I am seriously reminded about the vitality that a strong relationship network gives me. That feeling of solidarity and togetherness takes time to build. Galavanting around doesn’t usually provide that kind of time. Love takes time.

In Ireland, I explored my ancestry and became overwhelmed with cosmic love at moments. I felt love from my grandmama as I sang in the garden, explored her homeland, tried new recipes, and questioned the authority at school. During the middle of the course, my great aunt passed away peacefully in her sleep. She spent most of her life in Ireland. My family and most actively my mother had been taking care of her for years since her body started to deteriorate. Her death was imminent and felt so intimate. After my dad told her stories of being in Ireland, she began to pass slowly and more so severely. We suspect her spirit had no reason to linger in a body that could not bring her back home to Ireland. The night of her passing, I sang a mix of songs for a dinner party. The message was gratitude for each others offerings, understanding we have to part ways, and wishing each other love wherever we go off to next. My dad remarked how much she loved my singing and that it maybe helped her passing. This idea is too overwhelming for me to think about at times so I like to say life is serendipitous.

As for my “decolonized” connection to Ireland, I don’t think I have one. I believe I’m too far removed from any land to feel indigenous to anywhere. I kinda had this idea that I as a white person should go back to where I came from if you know what I mean? Like as a person descending from Europeans who are the type to be colonizers who invented race and class as tools to separate humans from each other and create war & genocide, like I should see my ancestors out or something.

I don’t know how reasonable that is anymore. I don’t totally resonate with European culture. I love spending time focusing on pleasure and relationships instead of constantly working and buying. I love not living in a police state. I love free healthcare. But there is a responsibility I feel as someone who grew up in the USA, which is this atrocious scary fascist beast that Europeans love to joke about. The responsibility I feel comes from seeing the struggle of the global majority (non white, working class people) so closely within the belly of the beast. It’s a responsibility to prioritize solidarity and divest power away from colonizer institutions and back to the people. I notice Europeans lack that feeling of responsibility because they feel so far removed from it. It seems like they feel they have evolved. I would encourage Europeans to think about where this fascist beast came from and how close they actually are to it.

Also I don’t really feel European. I feel American,,, begrudgingly.

Ah the USA; The imperialist power that creates constant war under the guise of protecting democracy. A country dehumanizing its own people with racist classist prisons and police. It’s able to do all this and make itself so glamorous with some Hollywood magic. It’s a kingdom that has its people wrapped up in targeting each other so we don’t share our struggles. We’re too busy arguing about whether a loud republican imperialist or a quiet democrat imperialist should be in power. But sometimes we aren’t the type to argue about it. Sometimes we’re too tired and uninspired from working so hard yet being so far from serenity. from stability. from community.

I stay analyzing because I’m inspired by and thankful for my comrades, my team, and my loved ones. Shout out to my mom, my best friend Aja, and my friends for letting me lean on them. Shout out to my comrades at The People’s Forum [TPF] who help me stay in motion when I am paralyzed physically and emotionally.

Coming back to the USA, I felt pressured into rapid production and consumption. I said no, I need to rest. During recovery, I participated in TPF’s Revolutionary Summer School 2023 focused on Pan-Africanism. As I rested my bag of bones, I read analysis and listened to comrades speak revolutionary ideas. We examined history’s examples of international solidarity, the struggle for Africa’s sovereignty, the diaspora, and the revolutionaries outlining that struggle.

I see all of our struggles as so connected. Today in North America with the way we rapidly produce and consume, resources in the global south like uranium, palm, sugar, tobacco, etc. are monopolized and extracted violently. This harms the earth and terrorizes the people of South America and Africa as it has since the beginning of the slave trade and colonialism.

Now of course I don’t truly understand anyone else’s struggle but my own, so why care? Because as the earth, we’re literally all struggling. Honestly there hasn’t been a time that I’ve been alive and the world hasn’t been at war because resources and white supremacy. In my privileged isolated life in the USA, the mainstream media has reported these “third world problems” as if the colonizers didn’t create those problems when they claimed they were making the “first world.” THERE’S ONLY ONE WORLD! which is simply why I care to care as an internationalist. I don’t claim to know other peoples’ struggles but I know socializing from love and connecting our struggles creates POWER. The amount of international people in struggle hold so much more power than the elite maintaining the capitalist struggle. So who’s the elite? Who’s the enemy?

It’s a important conversation to have with your comrades to be clear about where to direct your energy. People could argue the billionaires, millionaires, failures of solidarity,,, all valid, though the enemy most highlighted in our study was the imperial power created by the USA and the organizations that help execute it like NATO. Comrade Claudia de la Cruz pointed out to us how to view living in the belly of the beast as an honor. It’s us who’s working most closely to beast. It’s us who sees the cracks illuminated. It’s us who can strike from the inside and create transformative change.

connect to each other, believe in our power.

spark revolution, strike down the tower.

more to come,,,